Laugh? I almost pissed my tights

Question: How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights?

Answer:

• 10 little piggies,
• 2 calves,
• a beaver,
• an ass,
• a bunch of hares,
• and a fish that nobody can seem to find

 Don't laugh then, just because you forgot your skirt!

Bank Holiday Advice

Guys, when visiting the zoo, please do not feed the animals.  (They find they find the synthetic fibers in your girlfriends tights indigestable)

 

Please remove shoes before feeding this pet.  Your heels may get caught in his throat

Help my man has a tights fetish

First, this is not uncommon, at least judging by the amount of pantyhose fetish stuff on the web.  (And by personal experience). This is excellently satirized by Penelope's Pantyhose on You Tube.

 "There's something a bit weird with this guy"

Second if you really hate wearing tights, dump him now.  He'll only get frustrated and run off with some young thing in tan tights and short shorts - or more unlikely retreat into a world of pantyhose porn.  But if you don't mind or even enjoy wearing tights here are some do's and don'ts to exploit his fetish to your advantage

1. Do wear tights regularly.

Can't take his eyes off.. your toes?

2. Do slob around in your stocking (or is that tights) feet.  Many men who like tights have a bit of a foot fetish and he'll love gazing on your toes (weird but true).

It was worth risking the fashion police

3. Do wear tights even with high heeled strappy sandals.  I know this is against much fashion "advice", but he'll be so pleased you are out in tights and sandals that he may not even look at other women (well not much).

4. Do use the power of nylon to access his credit card.  Of course he will keep you supplied with tights and buy those designer editions that you wouldn't spend your money on.  But, more importantly you can get him to buy shoes.  Tell him you need the right pair to show off your tights, strappy sandals and peep toe designs will be easy, but boots and courts should also be possible.  Then there are the shorts and skirts you need to show off your legs.

He bought be all these shoes so I could show off my tights

5. Do use tights to get him in the mood when you are.  Sometimes a bit of nylon footsie will do it, other times walking about in just your tights is required.

And now the don'ts

1.Don't wear tights all the time.  Three or four days a week will do.  Better to tease and leave him wanting more.  Tights 24/7 is not healthy for the body or the relationship

2. Don't be predictable about when you wear tights, keep him guessing.

3. Don't have sex in tights.  Use them to excite him by all means but you don't want to have to depend on tights.  And if he can only stay excited when you are in tights - run.

4. Don't let him take pictures of you in just your tights and undies or just your tights.  These will find there way onto a pantyhose porn site when you dump him.

5. Don't buy him tights.  He has to be into you not just the tights.

And remember the line "You love my tights more than me" is always useful even if not true.

Tights Jokes

Ho, Ho, Ho! 'Tis the season to be jolly.  Some jokes you won't find in your crackers (unless, perhaps they come from Ann Sumers).

In decreasing order of "humour":

"Joke" 1 Q: Why are men like pairs of tights? A: They either cling or run.

"Joke" 2 Jack and Jill are having sex.  As he thrusts Jack notices that Jill's toes are going up and down, up and down.  Are you enjoying it so much your toes curl with pleasure he asks [As if Ed.]  "No", she replies, I left my tights on.

"Joke" 3  Q: How can you tell that a woman in tights as farted? A: her ankles swell.
That's all folks - and aren't you glad!