Who moved the stone?

This is time of year when Christian's produce the following argument about Jesus' body:

1. The disciples could not have removed the body, because it would have been psychologically impossible to proclaim the resurrection.
2. The Jewish authorities could not have removed the body, because they would have produced it to disprove the resurrection.
3. The Roman authorities could not have removed the body, because they would have produced it to disprove the resurrection.
4. Grave robbers would not removed to body because it was of no value to them.
5. QED Jesus body was gone because God raised him from the dead.

Jesus' cremation
But I would like to propose an alternative.  Jesus' enemies removed his body and cremated him - hence the body could not be produced.  Why would they want to destroy Jesus I hear your ask?  They had already had him killed.  (Well come on the ask!)  I offer two reasons.

1. If you hate  someone enough you want to rub them out totally.  Leave nothing left of them.  This is why the Nazi's cremated the bodies of Jews, Gays and Gypsies in an industrial scale incineration.  They hated these people so much they wanted to leave no trace of them.  Recently I enjoyed attending the cremation service for a complete cow I knew.  I felt a tingle of pleasure at the thought she would soon me nothing but hot gases streaming out of the crematorium chimney.  Burn you bitch burn .... down ... down ... down ... to a pile of bones and ground up to a couple of pounds of ash scattered and washed away.  [Sorry, got carried away there, where was I?]
2. Oh yes reason 2, the Jewish desire to burn heretics.  We read in the book of Joshua chapter 7 verses 24 and 25 "[24] And Joshua, and all Israel with him, took Achan the son of Zerah, and the silver, and the garment, and the wedge of gold, and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep, and his tent, and all that he had: and they brought them unto the valley of Achor.   [25] And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones.".  If poor old Achan had to be stoned and burnt up for a bit of theft how much so the man that claimed to be God?   If you think this is an isolated example consider Leviticus 21:9 "And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire."  Oh yes girls if you are not obeying daddy and having a bit of fun, they'd soon have the fire lapping your tits.

While I considered the theory that Jesus' body was burned by those who were appalled by his claims is a possible solution to his fate, I believe there is a better one.

Cremation by Satan
Sisters, I submit that our LORD Satan, had both the justification and means to incinerate Jesus and indeed he did so to his eternal glory.

1. Justification.  Jesus has slandered Satan by making up the ridiculous story of the temptation.  (As told in Matthew's gospel chapter 4).  Why would the LORD Satan need to make the offer of a Kingdom to an odd job man with delusions of grandeur?  Furthermore, Jesus openly challenged Satan.  (Not something, Sisters, you want to do).  We read in Saint Luke Chapter 10:17-19 "[17] And the seventy returned again with joy, saying, Lord, even the devils are subject unto us through thy name.  [18] And he said unto them, I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven.
   [19] Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you."  Well said can I say?  The only demons Christians have power over are psychosomatic illnesses.  Satan is very much not fallen.  And I would encourage all Christians to try out a good bit of scorpion stamping.
2. Means.  Christians make a lot of the guards at the tomb and the big stone.  They say these were obstacles to removing Jesus' body.  Well a little rock would be no problem for Satan to move.  "[2] And, behold, there was a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.[3] His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:  [4] And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became as dead men."  (Matthew Chapter 24)  This was no angel of the Lord, but Satan himself.

No angels - just Satan

After all Christians themselves admit that Satan was responsible for Jesus's death.  If he had not been betrayed he would not have been crucified.  And who caused his betrayal?  The LORD Satan.  "[3] Then entered Satan into Judas surnamed Iscariot, being of the number of the twelve.[4] And he went his way, and communed with the chief priests and captains, how he might betray him unto them." (Luke 24:3-4).  Satan was finishing his work of destruction when he burnt Jesus up.

And all this means?
Don't go to Church on Sundays.

Listen to Slipnot instead.  Slipknot's denial of Satanism sounds like an affirmation

"No we don't worship Satan! It's not a gimmick either - I think it is the relation towards the band. When we say like "555" or "666" it's like like a higher number and it's more on the darkside. We want people to think as we shock. At the same time we we're being fucking lumped in with nu-metal and we're nothing like that shit"  (Interview with concertlivewire.com)

Hell I think these boys have got a real good attitude, Satanist or not

"Livewire: If Slipknot fans are, as you call them, "maggots" - then what do you call people that hate your music?

Joey: Man, good question. All I can say is they're outside the nine. They don't understand - that's all I could tell them. We're here to piss off just as many people as we are to please. As long as we have fucking people hate us - I'm a happy guy! "