Wasted in Tights

So you are going out for New Year (or any other Friday / Saturday night) to get slaughtered, sh****d, and to kick the s**t out of any bitch you don't like the look of.   Surely this is no time to be wearing tights?  You need to show you are a hard bitch, out in your skirt, heels and bare legs in the cold.  No, here's why you should wear tights.

Guide to the slaughtered female 1 - look at the eyes

• If you have to take your heels off when you are too pissed to walk in them, tights offer some protection for your feet.  Opaques are better from this point of view, but not as sexy.  Reinforced toes give some toe protection.  Of course tights won't help when you stand on that broken glass, but hey they can mop up your blood.

• Tights keep your legs a bit warmer.  Again opaques are best, but not as sexy.  When you are lying in the gutter too slaughtered to get up and have been kicked by a couple of passing girlies still staggering in their heels, tights won't stop you dying from hypothermia.  But you'll look your best when they photograph you, and you may even get your picture on the papers.  Well maybe not, you will appear some guys face book page who photographed you with his 'phone as you lay dead in the road.  In any case once they get you to the crematorium you'll warm up.

She's asleep, or is it a tactic to get your attention

• Tights protect your legs in a cat fight.  OK only from the first scratch on the legs.  Now I'm on the topic, do you fight in heels or stocking feet?  Heels can do far more damage.  I'd recommend stocking feet.  When the other drunken bitch goes down on her heels you can kick her head in with those stocking feet.  But if you down she'll kill you giving you a kicking in those heels.  Guys like a cat fight almost as much as a girl on girl snog.  So snog her early evening and then scratch her face.

• Now the main reason.  To attract guys.  Sheer black give just the right slutty, up for it look to get a drunken screw.  Have reinforced toes as this will remind them of stockings and hookers

Guide to the hammered female 2: Are her eyes closing?

 Now the downsides of wearing tights:

Take care what you do on a night out

• Your tights will get ripped.  What the hell tights are cheap.  Go for supermarket black with reinforced toe, save your Wolfords for posh parties.

• If you cannot make it to the "ladies" in time after a skin full you will pee your tights.  Well at least the tights will absorb some of your pee, and if you want to be a good citizen you can take them off and mop the rest up off the floor.

• Now the serious problem.  Can you and the drunken stud get the tights off you so he can inside your knickers?  Well if he can't do that, are his sperm worth having?  You could always wear tights and no knickers to give you less you get off.

Guide to the wasted female 3: she doesn't noticing you are a pervert eyeing her legs and feet

Some people will say that I'm encouraging a laddet culture in this blog.  What they don't realise is the "nice" female is a social construction.  You can't fight a million years of evolution.  We evolved to get the male with the best sperm and eliminate any female competition.  Intoxicants have been used to womankind since the dawn of time to help us achieve reproductive success.  We might co-operate with our "sisters" but only to take out other groups of sisters or males with no reproductive potential.

I know that male intelligence is low, so I include a few pics of a wasted girlie to help you identify us when we are ready.

Guide to the intoxicated female 4: Now her kit has come off

This post was borough to you by alcohol aware.  Be aware that alcohol can get you pissed and use it for this perpose.  Drink responsibly, getting wasted is your responsibility.  Help the drinks industry out of recession.

BTW this blog will now go adult - at least while this post is live.