Christmas and the single girl - how a few pairs of tights can help

Christmas rapidly approaches.  That time for spending time with families that we hate and spend the rest of the year avoiding.  So here's a guide to how packing a few pairs of tights can help the single girl off to a family gathering.

This some practical points.

1.  Tights keep you warm.  Even in a mild winter the family home may be freezing, and you will want to get away from the horde even if it is into the freezing blizzard outside.  Tights will help in both cases.

2. Tights are an easy way to change a outfit.  You can change the look of your outfit merely by changing your tights.  So you can take fewer outfits.  Or better still you can take lots of outfits and appear to have lots more outfits.

Change to sheer tan tights for a different look

3. Tights make shoes more comfortable.  You want to wear your best heels at Christmas.  Both to make you feel better and to show off to the relatives.  Tights can make these shoes more comfortable.  And if you have to take your shoes off the relatives may find stocking feet more acceptable that bare feet.

You have not even got home yet, and your heels hurt!

But perhaps more important are the social and psychological benefits of wearing tights:

4. Tights can make you feel better.  Tights make your legs look better by hiding imperfections and highlighting their shape.  This will improve your mood.  What is more if you are wearing outfits with tights you will probably make more of an effort.  The care needed to get your tights right will encourage you to take the same care with the rest of your outfit.  Of course you can still look a mess in tights, but it is much easier to look slovenly in socks and jeans.

Feel good in your tights

5. Tights are a way of defining your identity.  We all need to know who we are.  And in these post modern days you might as well define yourself as a lover of tights as anything else.  Better that people know you as the girl always in tights, or as the girl in interesting tights, than not know you at all.  In these days when such a variety of tights are available and many avoid tights, it is possible to define yourself in terms of tights.  If the gods are dead, you might as well worship tights as the TV, the web, your 'phone or TOWIE.

Even royalty has been prepared to define themselves in terms of tights.  Look at all the media excitement when Kate Middleton was seen in sheer nude tights.

But my particular tights heroine is "Sweet in Pantyhose" who has for a number of years been promoting the joy of pantyhose on the web.  Sweet has defined herself in terms of her tan / nude pantyhose and her trademark heels.

Junior pantyhose pervert meets older tights wearer

Not at Christmas - but can happen @ Christmas 2

6. You'll always have a friend if you wear tights.  Yes there is bound to be someone in your extended family or in the neighbours who get invited round who is a pantyhose pervert.  Now normally you might want to avoid the pantyhose pervert, but if no one else is talking to you, slip off your heels, walk around in your stocking feet, and a PH pervert will come to talk to you.  His conversation may be stilted as he keeps focusing on your tights, but at least you will have company.  You can exploit him to get you drinks and may even persuade him to buy you new shoes to go with your tights.  If conversation flags, just mention tights - something like "These new M&S tights don't ladder so often", and the talk will flow (and his mouth will water).  You may find it difficult to get rid of him.  But if a shag is available nowhere else, he will fuck your brains out - but only as long as you keep your tights on.

Which brings me on to the use of tights for Christmas sex.

Tights vs socks.  Who get the only half decent guy?

7. Tights will help you get a Christmas shag....  A man won't have to be a PH pervert to be attracted to your legs in tights.  (Notice your legs in tights, not your tights).   Your smoother, more shapely legs will attract him.  And even a normal man gets some sexual arousal from black sheer nylon or black fishnet.  You can wear your skirt shorter with tights and even flash your tights tops - a way of showing him your underwear, while not quite showing him your underwear.  Last but not least, that extra confidence from wearing tights will make you extra attractive.
8. ...without looking like a Christmas slag.  Yes I know you could go in bare legs.  But think how cheap bare legs make you look.  You will look like a girl out to get pissed and be on the pull on a Friday night.  The guys will be wondering if you even have knickers on.  You want to man, but you don't want to appear too desperate, or you'll get a chav  you gives you a quick and (for you) unsatisfying fuck.  Guys are falling over themselves to get in girl's muff, don't make it too easy for them.

Would you really ware that dress without tights?

Finally, some points that I can't fit anywhere else:

9. Spare pairs of tights make last minute presents.  Forgot to get your niece a present?  Looks like she is about your size.  Give her that pair of unopened black tights.   You might:

• Turn her into a tights lover.
• Get her a ride with a hot guy.
• Get the local pantyhose pervert tossing off over her.
• Get her to think you are a tight (ungenerous) bitch - which you are.

Even more fun - if you can identify your family's pantyhose pervert - give him a pair of your (used) pantyhose wrapped up under the Christmas tree.  Watch the colour of his face - and his trousers - when he opens them.

Looks like she enjoying herself, even if they were a pair of old Tesco tights you found in your bag

When alcohol fails, strangulation is

the only means of escape from the relatives

10. If all else fails, end it all with tights.  Yes you can try to hang yourself with a pair of your tights.   If tights define your identity what better way to go but wearing a pair while another pair squeezes the breath of life out of you?  OK, I'm not sure your tights will take your weight, but if your family pantyhose pervert is pervy enough he may finish you off......

Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas

Well I'm happy that someone is enjoying themselves in their tights at Christmas.  I'm off to see my one big happy family.  I'll probably freeze death in snow drift.  They'll find me lifeless with my trusty Boots 60 denier tights solid with frost.  Well at least I'll warm up when in the crematorium, just before I crumble to dust.

Unless I can get my trusty note book out and do a quick post over Christmas, I afraid this could be the last post until Wednesday.  Of course if I'm frozen to 10 below, and incinerated at 800 above this will be the last post forever.  If I sit posting under the tree this is what might happen:

Mother: What are you doing?

Me: Blogging

Mother: Wogging dear?  Isn't that racist?

Me: No blogging.  Since I'm a sad cow and no body talks to me in real life and writing about tights on the Internet.

Mother: You do seem to be wearing tights more often now dear.

Me: That's because I went out with that nylon fetish pervert.

Mother: He seemed like such a nice boy - pity he had to go and live with his boyfriend.  Do you like the tights we bought for Christmas?

Me: Oh those I just love very shiny tan.  Makes my fat legs look like fat sausages.

Then I start thinking about death again and my legs spitting and dripping like sausages in the cremation oven, and have to take another few fluoxetine

So to avoid this happy scenario I may not be able to blog for a while.  Not that anyone views this blog.  If you do, you can always watch the repeats -  it is Christmas after all.

But what all you happy tights perverts signed in for was to see girls in tights, not hear my existential angst.  So here is that cheery cow again.  (I'm sure they are making her do that).

And here is a young lady who appears to have got a pair of heels for Christmas.  As much as I like heels I'm sure she'd have preferred an iPhone.

Tune back after the Turkey for more on my love-hate relationship with tights (or not).  (I wonder how long after my demise Google will delete this blog?)

Take your shoes off to dance

Its that time of the year again for office, xmas and New Year's Parties.  Well here's another little tights trivia decision, do you kick off your shoes and dance in your stocking (tights) feet?

For me the answer would always be yes.  Dancing in stocking feet is so much more comfortable. I buy my heels to look good, not be comfortable OK?  And lets face it, it's easier - at least if you are me.  At the best of times I do the spastic chicken dance - sorry that's un PC - some of my best friends are chickens.  (Chicken Pie, Chicken Curry, Roast Chicken).  Now I've upset veggies too.  (I wonder what a veggie tastes like?).  Anyway like I was saying there is no way I can dance in heels when pissed.

I can hear the new puritans saying well "don't get drunk then" and "wear flats".  Well I'm sorry but as Nietzsche said "God is dead",and as others have said life is meaningless and we are all going up the crematorium chimney in a puff of gas.  So what what is left in life except getting pissed, stoned and buying shoes?

Enough philosophy already.  Back to the tights trivia.

OMG she's dancing with the undertaker

My other reason for dancing in my stocking feet is guys find it more sexy.  Of course there are those - more than you think - who have a nylon foot fetish and will go home and use a box of Kleenex after seeing some nice "pantyhosed" feet on the dance floor.  But I think most guys probably find stocking feet sexy.  After all, they reason, "she's got her shoes off" , so "only the tights and knickers to go".  Maybe they are right.

Of course there are down sides on boogieing in your stocking feet.  Stepping in spilt crisps, nuts and drink.  Having your feet stabbed by the bitch who kept her heels on.

Giving her feet a rest

I don't recommend keeping your shoes off all the time.  Some girls arrive and its straight off with their heels.  What's the point - you need to show them off for the first half of the evening.  I only slip out of me heels when I'm getting well lubricated and the dance floor is starting to fill up.

Can you dance in tights feet at any occasion?  At weddings its compulsory.  Not that I believe in weddings but its a chance to get rat arsed and maybe laid.  Home parties its fine - they may even expect it to protect the carpet (!)  At office parties its acceptable - since you are among friends and colleagues.  No, I'm lying.  I'm among the cows that hate me and I hate them.  But if they don't like it, they need to talk to my stocking feet, 'cos my face ain't listening.  Clubbing you need to play it by ear.  Sometimes its cool, sometimes too crowded. 

Get 'em off (the shoes alright)

OK, if you think you might be slipping your shoes off when you hit the dance floor, what kind of tights should you wear?  Well not too sheer - at least 15 denier - or they won't survive.  Reinforced toes are best.  Nothing looks more tacky than strutting your stuff with your toes poking through your tights.  Although if you are wearing tights with sandals you might consider sheer or sandal toe to make your shoes look better.  You can get away with reinforced toe pantyhose with peep-toe shoes.  Oh best and all the usual stuff: match your tights with your outfit, make sure your hose are lighter than your shoes etc etc.

Well my lunch break is over so back to the office.  But I'll be back soon with more tights trivia and more anger.

Did those feet attract the boys?