Christmas Dinner - in the worst possible taste.

I read that Daily Mail columnist Liz Jones has rescued turkeys and is feeding them for Christmas, rather than feeding on them.  Don't get me wrong I would probably prefer Ms Jones' turkeys to people.  I prefer my rabbit to any man.  But if we don't eat non-human animals where do we get our meat from?

Oh not the oven is empty

And we are meat eaters:

"Human ancestors who roamed the dry and open savannas of Africa about 2 million years ago routinely began to include meat in their diets to compensate for a serious decline in the quality of plant foods, according to a physical anthropologist at the University of California, Berkeley.  It was this new meat diet, full of densely-packed nutrients, that provided the catalyst for human evolution, particularly the growth of the brain, said Katharine Milton, an authority on primate diet." (UC Berkley)

Will our brains decline again if we do not have meat?

What can I find in the kitchen to feed my brain?

 There is an alternative our ancestors had to non-human animal meat.

"For some European cavemen, human meat wasn't a ritual delicacy or a food of last resort but an everyday meal, according to a new study of fossil bones found in Spain.  And, it seems, everyone in the area was doing it, making the discovery "the oldest example of cultural cannibalism known to date," the study says.  The 800,000-year-old butchered bones from the cave, called Gran Dolina, indicate cannibalism was rife among members of western Europe's first known human species, Homo antecessor." (National Geographic)

So if we don't want to eat non-human animals and we don't want to become stupid, we'll have to eat each other.  Ohhh ah don't go in the Kitchen this Christmas.

Cooked in her tights?  Make sure they don't melt.  Perhaps they keep the moisture in

Advice for meet eaters

However hungry you are, unwrap your snack first.

  

Nylon wrapping can produce a sticky mess if not removed before cooking.

Light oven and get up to temperature before inserting meat

You may like to cook some feet meat dishes on the hob rather than in the oven.

Patterned Tights Q & A / FAQ

A while ago the Duchess of York, now 50, flashed her legs in black opaque patterned tights with a rose motif.  Well Fergie is a real people's princess, never mind Di.  I can identify with a royal that who is nearly as fat as me and in even more debt than I am.  But should we follow her example in patterned legwear?

Do these gets need breaking up?  Only if you are Dolcett

Q: Why wear patterned tights?

A: Here are some reasons for wearing patterned tights:

• Patterned tights provide a stylish way of keeping warm in winter. 

•  They act like camouflage, break up the silhouette and give people something to look at other than the shape of your legs. 

• They add a bit of oomph to your outfit, some wardrobe staples can be a little dull if not livened up with accessories.

Still in? Tasteful?

However for those of us with shorter legs - solid colour tights are advised by the St Louis Post-Dispatch.  (Also make sure the skirt hits an inch below the widest part of your thighs so that your legs look slimmer).

Q: But aren't patterned tights on the way out?

A:  Patterned tights may be one of those trends that will be on its way out as fast as it made its way in.  But at the moment it is with us. On the 31st December The Sun showed Tina O'Brien  showing off her legs - in  hotpants and patterned tights.  Tina was the school-girl mum Sarah-Louise Platt in Corrie, so that will have all you Pantyhose Perverts slobbering over her.  But back to the tights, if it looks good on you - who cares if it is "in"?


 Q: How do I wear patterned tights?

Tasteful? No the tights, not girl for Christmas lunch

A:  eHow advises:  "The key to wearing patterned tights successfully is not to allow them to overwhelm the rest of your clothing. ...... To wear patterned tights tastefully, it's best to stick to subtle patterns against a darker background."

But for those with longer legs, tights with texture and patterns that are prominent like big, bold polka dots, plaids or cable knit sweater looks are recommended by the St Louis Post-Dispatch.  (Which is much less subtle than eHow!  As they say two fashion editors three opinions).   If your killer tights are yelling "look at us", the Post-Dispatch recommends doing down the rest of your outfit, so that you don't appear to be trying too hard.

Choose a short skirt or short shorts to make the most of your tights and your legs.

Q: Are any celebs wearing patterned tights?

A: Jane March slipped into an LBD and patterned tights for the Clash Of The Titans premiere (March 2010).  We have already mentioned Tina O'Brien and them there is LiLo, Mily Cyrus and many more.

Q: Am I too old for patterned tights?

Young fresh meat (sorry, girls) in tights

LiLo - not much meat

A: Yes.  Excuse me?  Oh are you too old for patterned tights?  Well according to the Daily Mail anyone over 35 is.  The author thinks that patterned tights are automatically aging, very 1990s, and can only be warn ironically.  So is it best to wear patterned tights if you are 15 and want to pick up an older guy.  "Your honour it was those patterned tights - I thought she was 18".  Myself, given the way they give your outfit interest and improve your legs, I'd say wear them at any age.

Q: Can I wear patterned tights for work?

A: eHow thinks you can wear them with trousers (pants).    Apparently the small amount of tights visible  from below your trousers will add visual interest and show your attention to detail.

Skin too visible for work?

The Acadamie de la Mode believes you can wear patterned tights with a skirt to work.  But their advice is: "[Go for a] geometric pattern that is repeated uniformly across the legs, general symmetry,  a mostly dark colour and not a lot of skin showing through.".    Acadamie de la Mode do not recommend patterned tights with "lots of skin showing through, a pattern that is not geometrical and/or is not symmetrical, more light than dark. These patterns are a little bit distracting. Men would look at you and probably imagine removing them." In my humble opinion the whole point of tights at work is to distract men.  While their little brains are full of thoughts of getting inside your tights you can get on with making the decisions.

Q: Do guys like patterned tights?

A: I find they tend to wear sheer styles.  Oh what do guys think about us wearing patterned tights?  I suspect that they prefer something more sheer.  As Acadamie de la Mode says skin showing through turns men on.  Sheer tights are promoted in the media as being more sexy.  And when some guys are conditioned like Pavlov's dogs to associate tights with sexy, the woman wearing the tights that leads them to make the association - (often younger/older sister playing with them in an innocent or more sexual way) - is usually wearing sheers.

From the tights guys, chose one for a meal? (No, she isn't the meal, well alright then)

And now a little competition.  For each of the patterns:

• Is it suitable for work?
• Do the rest of the clothes need to be toned down?
• Is the pattern too much whatever your wear with it?
• Is it suitable for the over 40s?

Question 1

Question 2

 

Question 3

 Your prize in this competition a meal for seven - I think we can feed 7 out of you.

Had the drinks, now where is the meat?

 Now a word from our sponsor

 No not Hannah, Hannibal

"I recommend Hills Fine Meats"