Time to get your tights off?

Summer has come early!   And the thermometer is already blowing its load of mercury.   If temperatures top 25C as predicted, it will be the hottest Easter in the UK since records began a century ago.  The ‘barbecue Easter’ follows an extraordinary month of warm, sunny weather in England and Wales which has put this April on course to be the warmest on record.  Yesterday temperatures soared to a scorching 26.5 C  at Heathrow, West London, yesterday – the hottest this year, making it toastier than the Costa Brava.  And the early signs are that the sunshine will continue into next week.

What better way to worship the Sun Goddess than to get your tights off?  Celebs have been doing just that.  Kate Bosworth was showing off her bare pins.  A few days ago Beyoncé debuted her spring self in Paris in short dress and no tights.  OK! reported that Gwyneth Paltrow had ditched the tights and opted for bare legs.  Some celebs were even bare legging it before the real hot weather hit.

Gwyneth always looks good in tights but now she is going without

The Sun Goddess commands you

What if you want to keep wearing your tights in this heat?  Then I'm afraid the Sun Goddess is going to punish you.  Hot and itchy legs may be the least of your worries.  Nylon is not an absorbent material. As a result, perspiration from the your feet will be trapped in your tights, leading to discomfort and really pongy feet.  Pantyhose also trap bacteria and fungi  in your lady area, so the Sun Goddess will punish you for wearing tights when she wants to kiss your bear legs by heating up your bush to make those little buggers multiply and give you thrush.  She is punishing you with an itchy clit, a sore clit, pain pissing, pain when shagging and a thick white cream cheesy discharge.  All because you wouldn't take your tights off for Her.

 Have these Essex girls already been worshiping in the temple of the Sun Goddess?

Mind the Sun Goddess doesn't eat your skin in her temple

Why wear tights in summer?
Why would you want to defy the Sun Goddess and wear tights in the summer?

• You work in an air conditioned office and want to keep warm at work
• You don't trust the British weather not to go cold and piss down on you.
• You are a wimp and hate shaving your legs so wear black opaques to hide the hairs

Boots razor in the bag?  What lies beneath the tights?

• You want to hide those little imperfections in your legs

 

Little imperfection here

• Tights "make" the outfit you want to wear.
• Your legs are pasty white and you want to get a bit more of a tan at home before revealing them in public.
• To protect your legs.  Skin cancer is one of the Sun Goddess' less desirable gifts.  But her nimble ultra violet fingers fingers may reach through the nylon fibers of your tights and tickle your skin cells into reproducing like there is no tomorrow.  (Which there may not be for you). You can get a tan through pantyhose and She may even send you some extra powerful rays because you have kept your tights on.

Tempting the Son Goddess

Hints for wearing tights in summer

• Go for lower denier.  Not opaques
• Avoid black tights as they catch the heat.
• Don't wear with shorts.  Sure shorts and tights are real sexy, but in high summer you just asking for your lady to overheat.

Black opaques and shorts - not good

• Wear sandals to let the air circulate in your tights feet.

Beer can also be cooling if your tights are overheating

• Wear short skirts to maximise air circulation you know where

Shorts or skirt?

•  Wear tights with a cotton gusset
• Don't be afraid to slip your shoes off if your feet are getting too hot

Nice tattoo

• Think about going commando - do you need tights and knickers in the heat?
• Put on a clean pair of tights every day.
• Wear white to keep your general body temperature down by reflecting the sun.  

White good - leggings over tights maybe not so good

•  Try fishnets to circulate the air around your legs.

 And don't forget
When the Sun Goddess has gone in you can still put your tights on to party

Easter Bunnies

The season of easter has got me thinking of Bunnies.  Not the little furry ones that are tasty when skinned and cooked, but the original Playboy Bunnies.  (Who also might be tasty when cooked, but I don't know if anyone has every tried).

A tasty selection of rabbit?

Bunny Brilliant
The first Playboy club opened in Chicago in 1960.  Part of the brilliance of the Bunny costume is the part played by tights in it.  Hefner could have dressed his women in stockings (more traditional) or even in bare legs.  But what he realised - consciously or subconsciously - was that most men find nyloned legs a turn on.  They may not admit it, but that length of nylon encased leg does its magic work.  It is a fact many girls miss to, regarding tights as nothing more than an "accessory".  The Bunnies featured black fishnets with high heels, but as Hooters showed in a later generation tan tights with trainers can be as effective.

Brit Bunnies
Soon a UK Playboy club opened at 45 Park Lane, London

Carry on Bunny

Exploited Bunnies?
Of course there are always those that will claim Bunnies were exploited.  Nevertheless there was no shortage of potential Bunnies - ranging from debutantes to working girls from Dagenham.   Furthermore, the club offered wages of £35 a week - big money in the mid-1960s, when added to tips - and a chance to meet the stars.  And of course being a Bunny was a counter-cultural statement, a chance to rebel against the remnants Victorian xian "morals" that survived into the 1950s.

Much is made of the fact that the weight of Bunnies was monitored with an industrial weighing machine.  Were the girls just objects?  Of course they were.  They were lumps of well packaged meat which Playboy punters paid the Playboy empire good money to oggle.  But before you get all moral, that is the nature of capitalism.  We are all machines.  We have no souls.   The girl in a call centre is no less exploited than the Bunny.  Her performance (calls her hour etc) is measured and managed, but she doesn't have the fun of a Bunny.

Exploited?

The end of the Bunny?
In the sixties Playboy swung, in the seventies it sunk.  Guys were no longer content with the image of sex, they now wanted the sex itself.  So discos and singles bars thrived instead of the Playboy Clubs.  And if you were so sad that you couldn't get sex with a real girl there was always the porno movies.

Not raunchy enough?

There were attempts to resurrect the Bunny.  In 1999 the Playboy Casino on Rhodes opened and closed almost within the same calendar month.
The Bunny meme lives on
The Bunny club is dead, as by now are some the original Bunnies - reduced to heating for your local swimming pool.  But the Bunny look is still sexy, it has imprinted itself in our brains and even today girls wear it too turn guys on

Of course the Bunny outfit has been subverted, it is not the same outfit as the uniform registered with the United States Patent and Trademark Office in the 60s.  Like all good memes the Bunny look has evolved to survive.

Bunny punk?

And every year a new generation of girls finds the joy of tights in the Bunny look.  Dressing as Bunny is almost a right of passage.

Are these the world's most sexy tights?

Let me tell you why I think they are.
First, they are black.  Black has a strong association with sexiness.
Second they sheer.  Sheer tights both hide and reveal, giving a pleasing teasing effect.
Third they are polka dot.  The dots draw attention to the leg without the overwhelming effect of some other patterns.

Fourth they have a seam. Seams have a strong suggestion of rather naughty nylons.  They make guys think and rows of stockinged beauties doing the can-can, or maybe of ladies of the night offering their services.

Fifth they have a boxer brief.  You can see it just peeking out in this photo.  I know some girls think sheer to the waist is best so you can have your LBJ as short as you like.  But I think a band of reinforced nylon below your short shorts is much more sexy.  "Look" it says "I dare to flash my underwear at you"

Sixth they have reinforced toes.  Some guys don't like our toes and the thicker nylon keeps them hidden.  But more importantly they hint at the old time stockings many guys have a soft spot for.  And by focusing attention on the end of the foot they make that initial teasing foot play more exciting for him - as he watches your toes explore his leg and pull down his boxers.....

Leave a comment and tell me what you think makes tights sexy.

Shoes I Love Part 3

Just love the little bondage spikes around the toes and oh such a thin heel.  Imagine those toes teasing your manhood and the heel over your balls?  Scream now

and here they are with a outfit.

More Royal Tights

Joy of Tights reads that Kate Middleton is changing her hosiery to meet her new role.  Gone are the opaque tights of her student days, to be replaced by flesh coloured sheer tights.  Celebrity stylist Camilla Ridley Day says that there can be no more bare legs - a more refined (i.e. nyloned) look is required.  Joy of Tights certainly thinks that a nice sheer pair of tights adds refinement to a girl's legs.

In the area of shoes Kate has gone for a chunky, retro heel that will not sink into grass and is more comfortable than a stiletto.  Not totally different to her student chunky boots.  Joy of Tights would love to see some Royal wedgie sandals - nothing like the Royal stamp on tights and sandals.

The fashion guru's are scathing about the sheer tights.   Camilla Ridley Day says most girls Kate's age would dread to be seen in sheer flesh tone tights.  Here Joy of Tights begs to differ.  What better way to highlight the shape of your legs than a nice nude pair of tights?  As you can see on the left tan tights don't stop a girl from having fun.  And what could be cooler than showing off your tattoo under your tights (right).  Perhaps Kate could have a subtle Royal crest tattooed on her foot.  A people's princess should be one of the girls.

Well here are some young ladies even younger than Kate, one of whom is wearing darker flesh tights without embarrassment.

Maybe this girl doesn't look too happy in her tan tights, but you have to admit that the shiny nylon does wonders for her legs.

Tights and Tattoos

Many girls are now have tattoos on their legs and even their feet.  Does it make any sense to wear tights over your tattoos?  After all you are covering up all that cool art work.  You had the expense (and the pain!) - now you want to the world to see the result.

Let's start with the boring reasons:

• Sometimes it is just too cold to go with naked legs!
• The boss may just not want to see your tattoos at work.  Some companies are getting into dress code.  An email was circulated by City Law Firm Allen &  Overy to 105 would-be solicitors warning them to wear longer skirts and lower heels or they could face being hauled in for 'uncomfortable discussions'.  What is this, skool?
• Maybe that particular tattoo was an awful mistake.
  

 

 But there are better reasons

• Less is more.  Give your tattoo an air of mystery by hiding it under a thin layer of nylon.  You will get more looks as guys and girls try to see your tattoo.
• You can subtly combine your tattoo with different deniers and shades of tights so that it changes to match your mood.
• You can always say to a guy "Come to my room and I'll let you have a good look at my tattoo."  Err maybe not.

A nice example of a subtle tattoo under tights.

 

 Same girl, but the tattoo has a different look under darker tights.  By the way foot tattoos are cool.  The feet are a much under-rated part of the body and it is time they got some love and attention.  And tattoos make your feet more interesting when going about in bare (or stocking) feet or in sandals.

Personally I look forward to the day when we all develop our body art from our early teens onwards.  (Got my first at 45! On the ankle).  The body isn't to be left in its drab plain nakedness but decorated - which is why shoes and tights are so grooovey.

Sweet.

Satanist Thought for the Day

With air pollution regulation your tattoos and piercings are the only bit of individuality you can take into the crematorium incinerator.  And you want to look your best for LORD Satan as he meets you in the flames and reduces you to ash and gas.  Something to look cheerful about.

Shoes I Love Part 2

Found on a recent random web crawl, more boots I'd max my credit card out on:

They are Rosegold gray ankle boots from GILT.  I'm in love with the stacked heel and buckle. And here they are on the model:

Just to show you don't need to be 17 to wear tights with shorts.  Although Joy of Tights' half century is probably too old :(  And another view.