Joy of Tights Guide to Christmas Shopping (Part 1)

Hello Boyz.  You all know that girls like gifts

I'ts as old as evolution.  "Stone Age" man brought "Stone Age" woman a woolly mammoth.  If he was lucky he had sex with her.  You buy a girl a really expensive gift, you might just get sex with her, if she thinks you are rich enough, cute enough and have good enough genes to pass on her bady.

Not sure they had shiney pantyhose in the Flint Stones

Trouble is boyz, you are shit at buying presents.  So here is a little guide.  Just in case you are going out to buy a present for the love of your life - or at least for that girl in the office who wears tights that you have been perving over all year.

Now actually, I doubt that you are going shopping today, its not Christmas Eve after all.  Why go to the shops when you can get a present from the all night pertrol (aka service) station?  Now I know that you are all visual learners (i.e. find words difficult), so there are pictures to help you.  They are pictures of girls in tights since I know that is the only thing that will keep your pervy attension.  This has limited the range of the good and bad choices I can display.  So do remember there are better and indeed worse gifts that those shown here.

So without further ado, lets imagine ourselves at Christmas Morning where the girl of your dreams or at least your partner is opening her presents.

The bad

Now here is the world's worst gift

Now not only does an apron say "You belong in the kitchen", it also says the giver is a cheapskate.  Well she seems to be smiling.  Perhaps there were other gits, perhaps it's just embaressment.

Now here is another present that's as bad, although a little more expensive.  What can it be?

Oh look - could it be...?

Yes, its a clothes drying thingy

Me, I just hang my tights in the bathroom.

Don't get excited they're only tights

Now there is a whole range of similar - domestic role presents, lets look at a few.

On the washing theme could it be an iron?

And kitchen stuff is always popular with the (non)-thinking man

Yes, suitably under-whelmed

Maybe a little better - or maybe not

A new grill pan to do his bacon in the morning - fanastic

Is this a pair of tights this girl has been bought.

No, on second thoughts its probably a packet of something else.  But that reminds me to say that as much as you like tights - why else are you on this blog? - they may not be the best present.  Giving tights  makes you look like some kind of weird perv who can't get a hard-on without a sight of nylon clad legs - which you are - but you may not want to shout about it.  So even if "your" girl always has ladders.

Forget the tights.

Socks, I know we buy you socks, but not for us.  Especially if we have to put them on over Christmas.

And don't even think about knickers

And don't get us what you want.....

Don't forget just because we don't want to be chained to the kitchen sink, it doesn't mean we want the DIY kit.

Clever surprises, usually aren't.

"I picked up dad's ashes from the undertaker.  I thought you'd want him home for Christmas"

Avoid sinister dolls.  The ones that come alive and kill everyone in horribly imaginative ways.

Unless the woman of your dreams likes sinister dolls.  If she does, run, the dolls will get you, but they enjoy it more if you resist.

Anything else you should avoid....

We are already programmed to make babies, we don't need any social reinforcement.

Now you know what NOT to buy, tune in next time to see what you should buy.