Latest Pattern Pantyhose

Are you so ashamed of your tights that you want to hide your face?

Well take a look at these ultra funky tights from etsy.  Now I don't suggest that you have to buy these tights, but they show what cool designs are available.  Have a look in your local tights store, department store or on the web.

Lily of Ankle

These 'Lily of the Ankle' tights (Etsy, $39), for example, would look great with a little black dress - and they're certainly not too over-the-top.

Lily of the ankle is a non symmetrical design.  The lilies climb up your ankles to different heights but do so on both your legs. These tights are very seductive.  They make the person looking at the pattern wonder how far up the leg the Lily will climb..? All of Gal Stern tights are made with a very high quality threads. They feel like silk on your skin. You can spend your entire day in these, feeling sexy, feminine and most importantly, comfortable!
Similar - but not the same

Actually not that similar at all.   Not so much a single lily as shrubbery on your leg!

Ballerina Tattoo Tights

Careful viewers will see the subtle toe seam

These Ballerina Tattoo Tights (Etsy, $60) will certainly turn many heads ... and glam up a boring outfit to boot.

LIMITED EDITION - 50 denier Opaque tattoo embellished tights.  These  50 denier tights are really one of a kind! Sexy, bright and distinctive for the winter months.  Combines light lavender colour with a dramatic jet black cross over ribbon that is fixed at the centre back of your thigh and ties up freely around your leg.  The feet are covered with dazzling heat fixed crystal black rhinestones.   Perfect for a partying. 

(Almost) my favourite!

Similar - but not the same

If you cannot get cross-over ribbon on your tights, get it on your shoes.

Maple Leaf Dyed Merino Wool Tights Leggings

Maple-leaf-dyed merino wool tights (Etsy, $70).  These merino wool leggings are dyed with Maple leaf and Eucalyptus. The print is from the leaf itself extracted with the heating of the garment, not ink or paint. Beautiful rich purples and greys ranging from light to dark give you a stunning pair of legs  Fine knit merino wool is made to wear against the skin with no itch.  Great for layering and multi seasonal wear as wool breathes.  Wool is naturally antibacterial and absorbs moisture whilst allowing your skin to breath at the same time, which means that you can wear your clothing much longer before it gets stinky and needs a wash.

For all these good points, these tights are not my style.  I really like feet in my tights to keep my tootsies warm and cushion them in my shoes.  Personally I don't like to have to wear tights and socks.  After boogieing all night even wool will be smelly.  Making patterns from real leaves seems over the top, perfectly good patterns can be made in nylon.  This is the 21st century.  I prefer these:

Zipper Tights

Something totally different: a pair of Zipper Tights (Etsy, $22)

These tights will not just turn some heads they will knock over every guy in the room!  If you always wanted tattoo but don't like the idea that it stays forever; these amazing tights will be perfect for you, they create the feeling that you have tattoo on your leg, and lets be honest - an  awesome one.

There is nothing like these tights anywhere else - the ones below have almost a zippy pattern but not quite - nevertheless they are having the desired effect on the guy!

But I must say that as cool as these funky zipper tights are, tattoo tights aren't a tattoo.  The guy may be disappointed if the tattoo is not there when you get your kit off!  A tattoo is more of a statement that tattoo tights, a tattoo says I'm a hard bitch and I do what I like with my body.  If you want a tattoo get one, then tease the guys by showing it under some nice sheer tights.

Sequined Tights

Regulars will spot the sheer toes and subtle toe theme

Sequined tights (Etsy, $56) would be perfect for New Year's Eve ...

Hand embellished with a tattoo made of rhinestones and sequins on 50 Denier tights. Utterly decadent! These tights are one of a kind!   They are sexy, bright and distinctive.

Similar but not the same

I like the stocking effect on these.

Pre-ripped
Also available on line are pre-ribbed tights.  Excuse me?  Isn't it cheaper to rib your own? Or better still get a friend to rip them while having a new year snog.

Finally my favourite
Although I didn't recommend for Christmas dinner, I think these big spots would be great for new year parties.  With their reinforced toes and worn with platformed sandals, these tights give a fun retro feel.  Should be available on line.

Its boxing day, what is a girl to do?

Go shopping of course!

But shopping for what? Shoes obviously

And if you are buying new pairs of shoes you really ought to buy tights to go with them...

Even LiLo needs tights - when she's not in prison!

Christmas Dinner - in the worst possible taste.

I read that Daily Mail columnist Liz Jones has rescued turkeys and is feeding them for Christmas, rather than feeding on them.  Don't get me wrong I would probably prefer Ms Jones' turkeys to people.  I prefer my rabbit to any man.  But if we don't eat non-human animals where do we get our meat from?

Oh not the oven is empty

And we are meat eaters:

"Human ancestors who roamed the dry and open savannas of Africa about 2 million years ago routinely began to include meat in their diets to compensate for a serious decline in the quality of plant foods, according to a physical anthropologist at the University of California, Berkeley.  It was this new meat diet, full of densely-packed nutrients, that provided the catalyst for human evolution, particularly the growth of the brain, said Katharine Milton, an authority on primate diet." (UC Berkley)

Will our brains decline again if we do not have meat?

What can I find in the kitchen to feed my brain?

 There is an alternative our ancestors had to non-human animal meat.

"For some European cavemen, human meat wasn't a ritual delicacy or a food of last resort but an everyday meal, according to a new study of fossil bones found in Spain.  And, it seems, everyone in the area was doing it, making the discovery "the oldest example of cultural cannibalism known to date," the study says.  The 800,000-year-old butchered bones from the cave, called Gran Dolina, indicate cannibalism was rife among members of western Europe's first known human species, Homo antecessor." (National Geographic)

So if we don't want to eat non-human animals and we don't want to become stupid, we'll have to eat each other.  Ohhh ah don't go in the Kitchen this Christmas.

Cooked in her tights?  Make sure they don't melt.  Perhaps they keep the moisture in

Which Tights for Christmas?

Christmas Eve
Tess Daly  to the Daily Mirror recommends:

"Topshop’s sliver pleated mini skirt, a black roll-neck and Henry Holland Superstar motif tights, of which Jessie J is a big fan"

Now although I'm a fan of Henry Holland tights and even more so of Jessie J, I would recommend something more sober for Christmas Eve.  You don't want to upset the family by being too "tarty", you could another two days with them!  Trendy tights might put you in a party mood and you'll do something you regret - probably involving alcohol.  Better suited to the dread mood of a family Christmas Eve are black opaques.  These are also good if you go to midnight mass - you can look like a proper church goer.  (Of course I hope you are only going to scoff at believers in the Holy Shag - I mean virginal conception, scoff at those drunks who go Church once a year, and scoff most all at those clergy who no longer believe but keep up a sad act).

Opaques have the added advantage that they are robust if you feel the need to slip your heels off, or even get involved in a game of twister.

Now that nude and tan tights may be back, and it looks like it isn't going to be too cold, you might like to try sheer tan tights instead.  Still quite sober but not so heavy.

Don't get cooked in those tights!

If you are lucky enough to be spending Christmas with a partner and want your own divine conception, try a pair of fishnets to give him a nice hard Christmas present.

Christmas Day
Here Tess says:

"Opt for sparkly sequins or a metallic knit – Miss Selfridge has a ­great metallic foil printed jumper.  Wear with leather ­skinnies or shorts and ­spotty tights to get the Christmas look nailed."

I think she is right on with spotty or dotty tights.  They still look smart, but they give you a bit of elegance, show you have made the effort and are a little bit out of the ordinary.  I would keep the shine on the jumper down though.

Shorts, leather, jeans?  No I think Tess is wrong here.  You can be a bit less traditional at Christmas dinner, but better to go for a nice skirt or dress.

Boxing Day
With a mild Christmas this is where you could wear your shorts - perhaps with those dotty tights again - same tights twice a row you slut - for that boxing day walk.  Don't forget the funky boots.

Two Things to Remember
Drink plenty of fluids - its up to you what proportion of them is alcohol

OK guys I know this is your idea of heaven but stop dribbling

Do something outrageous.  Now generally I recommend keeping a low profile at Christmas, especially at a family Christmas.  Its not that I think you shouldn't upset people, but when you do, do it properly.  Don't fall out over what to watch on telly or the length of your skirt.  Do something "outrageous" - like snog another girl.  Perhaps after that game of twister.  Perhaps at the end of the evening.  It might have to be a relative - a sister, cousin or niece - the more  incestuous the better.

And Finally
Since you guys probably got here by Googling "Jessie J or Tess D in tights" - not being after my words of wisdom after all - here they are:....

Ah... if that's what you meant by spots, Tess, they are a little on the large side for me

Ten Reasons why the Christmas myth is false

Has Satan made this angel put on tights

to tempt the faithful?

It  is time for a seasonal rant against the Christmas story.  Now I know you guys want to know about tights and see pictures of women in tights.  So I'm going to have to bribe you with some pictures.  Now in the first century pantyhose hadn't been invented, but fortunately I have found some images of older students doing the nativity story and some of them are wearing tights.

I do ask you to read the text, at least you won't believe the Christian myth and won't have to worry about being cast into hell for your pantyhose perversion.  On the other hand if the Christmas myth is false, that doesn't mean that Satan does not exist, just that Jesus cannot save you, so Satan may still drag you to hell for your perversion (He, He, He....).

1. The story in implausible
The Christian scripture says:

"This was how the birth of Jesus Christ took place. His mother Mary was engaged to Joseph, but before they were married, she found out that she was going to have a baby by the Holy Spirit."

Now I don't want to be unpleasant about this, but what is more probable - Mary had a miraculous pregnancy, or she got shagged by a member of the Roman legion?

Mary and the angels

2. The theory is implausible
According to orthodox Christian theory Jesus is God and Jesus is Man.  Now lets list the defining attributes of God.  God = {all-powerful, present everywhere, knows everything, does not have sex}.  Now the defining attributes of man.  Man = {Of limited power, present at one place at one time, does not know lots of stuff, has sex all the time (if only with himself)}.  Now you don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to spot a bit of a contradiction here.

An angel explains the mystery of the Trinity

3.  The sources are unreliable

Just checking out her Josephus

According to the Gospel of Matthew

"Jesus was born in the town of Bethlehem in Judea, during the time when Herod was king. "

Herod died in 4BCE.  However Luke records:

"At that time Emperor Augustus ordered a census to be taken throughout the Roman Empire. When this first census took place, Quirinius was the governor of Syria. Everyone, then, went to register himself, each to his own hometown. "

Unfortunately according to Josephus, the Jewish historian, Quirinius was not governor of Syria with authority over Judea until CE 6, when the province was brought under direct Roman control.   (See Internet Infelels for more)

Accessing Internet Infidels

 4.  There is no evidence of key events in the story
According to Matthew's gospel:

'Herod learned that the wise men had fooled him. He was very angry. He sent men to kill all the young boys two years old and under in Bethlehem and in all the country near by. He decided to do this from what he had heard from the wise men as to the time when the star was seen. Then it happened as the early preacher Jeremiah said it would happen.  He said, “The sound of crying and much sorrow was heard in Ramah. Rachel was crying for her children. She would not be comforted because they were dead.” '

This is a pure invention on Matthew's part. Herod was guilty of many monstrous crimes, including the murder of several members of his own family. However, ancient historians such as Josephus, who delighted in listing Herod's crimes, such as his plan to kill all Jewish elders on his death (described below), do not mention what would have been Herod's greatest crime by far. It simply didn't happen.

Satan deals with Herod

"He [Herod] then returned back and came to Jericho, in such a melancholy state of body as almost threatened him with present death, when he proceeded to attempt a horrid wickedness; for he got together the most illustrious men of the whole Jewish nation, out of every village, into a place called the Hippodrome, and there shut them in. He then called for his sister Salome, and her husband Alexas, and made this speech to them: "I know well enough that the Jews will keep a festival upon my death however, it is in my power to be mourned for on other accounts, and to have a splendid funeral, if you will but be subservient to my commands. Do you but take care to send soldiers to encompass these men that are now in custody, and slay them immediately upon my death, and then all Judea, and every family of them, will weep at it, whether they will or no." (Josephus Jewish War Book 1 33:6)

5.  The Christian Scriptures that mention the Christmas story are of a late date
Christians will claim that it does not matter that their scriptures are not supported by other sources because they are early and reliable sources themselves.

Unfortunately there is no evidence for the early date of these documents.  Most critical scholars place the date of the Gospel of Luke c 80-90, although some argue for a date c. 60-65.  CE 80 is 47 years after Jesus' death and 84 years after his birth.  Plenty of time for legends to occur.  All the witnesses of Jesus' birth would be dead by CE 80.  Even if we take the date as 60, this is 64 years after Jesus', again the witnesses to his birth would be dead.

But what is the evidence that Luke's gospel should be dated 80 CE?  The earliest manuscript of the gospel is P4 which is dated late C2 or early C3, say 180CE.  The situation is even worst for Matthew's gospel.  The earliest manuscript is P104 Oxyrhynchus dated 150-200 CE, but this manuscript does not contain the birth stories.  The first manuscript containing the actual birth stories is P45 Chester Beatty dated about 250 CE.  (For manuscript chart see Useful Charts)

Making a few notes from those useful charts

Given that the manuscripts are so late can we really date the gospels of Luke and Matthew so early?  On the basis of the evidence it might be better to assume a date of 150 CE - plenty of time for legends to grow up.  Of course Christians will claim that the gospels of Matthew and Luke are early - its just that the original manuscripts have been lost - no doubt thumbed to death by early Bible study groups.  This is however, a statement of faith.  What is more early manuscripts have survived - the Dead Sea Scrolls from 70 CE and a small part of John's gospel from 125 CE.

6. Lack of Bible evidence
Not only is there no independent corroborative evidence outside the Bible for the "Christmas Story", there is little evidence in the Bible itself.  The only Bible documents that mention the story are the gospels of Luke and Matthew.  Interestingly the gospel of Mark - agreed to be the earliest Biblical gospel - does not mention the story.  Nor do the letters of Saint Paul - apparently written even earlier (50 - 60 CE).  Not even the gospel of John mentions the Christmas story.  We would expect John to mention the story if he knew it, since it would support his view of Jesus as God and man. 

The shepherds are probably made up too

7. The Christmas story was generated from Greek myths

Where then, does the Christmas story come from?  I suggest that it has been made up from Pagan myths.  The early Christians needed Jesus to compete with the heroes of Pagan religion and philosophy.  So they took over the Pagan stories and applied them to Jesus.

Let's take the case of Plato who was thought to be born of a virgin.  Creating a similar myth for Jesus was not enough for the church, they had to rubbish other divine birth stories as this quotation from Origen, (Against Celsus, Book 1, Chapter 37) makes clear

"For some have thought fit, not in regard to ancient and heroic narratives, but in regard to events of very recent occurrence, to relate as a possible thing that Plato was the son of Amphictione, Ariston being prevented from having marital intercourse with his wife until she had given birth to him with whom she was pregnant by Apollo. And yet these are veritable fables, which have led to the invention of such stories concerning a man whom they regarded as possessing greater wisdom and power than the multitude, and as having received the beginning of his corporeal substance from better and diviner elements than others, because they thought that this was appropriate to persons who were too great to be human beings."

For more about the Pagan origins of Christianity see Pagan Origins of the Christ Myth

She's just finished checking out some Pagan Origins....

8. Mis-handling of the Old Testament

According to the Gospel of Matthew (Matthew 1.18–25 ):

"This was how the birth of Jesus Christ took place. His mother Mary was engaged to Joseph, but before they were married, she found out that she was going to have a baby by the Holy Spirit. Joseph was a man who always did what was right, but he did not want to disgrace Mary publicly; so he made plans to break the engagement privately.

While he was thinking about this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, 'Joseph, descendant of David, do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife. For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived. She will have a son, and you will name him Jesus – because he will save his people from their sins.'

Now all this happened in order to make come true what the Lord had said through the prophet, 'A virgin will become pregnant and have a son, and he will be called Immanuel' (which means, 'God is with us'). So when Joseph woke up, he married Mary, as the angel of the Lord had told him to. But he had no sexual relations with her before she gave birth to her son. And Joseph named him Jesus."

But if we look at the actual words of the prophet (Isaiah 7:13-15 ):

"Well then, the Lord himself will give you a sign: a young woman who is pregnant will have a son and will name him Immanuel."

What is going on here?  Well, young woman is what the original Hebrew text written by Isaiah says.  But a later translation into Greek mistranslated young woman as virgin.  So why did the writer of Matthew use the dodgy translation?  My explanation is that Matthew was not the good Jewish boy who saw Jesus teach.  "Matthew" was a Greek speaking Pagan writing 100 years after the event.  (See point 5 above about dating)  Having already decided Jesus needed a divine birth like Plato, "Matthew" found a verse to support his creation in the only "Bible" he could read.

But even if this explanation is not true, Matthew played fast and loose with the evidence picking not the best text but the one that supported his view.  Did Matthew treat his other sources with the same lack of respect?

A young woman?  Yes. A virgin? Not if he has anything to do with it

9. Would a good God create such a miserable festival

Think of the suicides, divorces, arguments and other horrors of Christmas.  Would a good God create such a festival?  (OK not a good argument but i like it!).

"So why the fuck am I at this Christmas 'celebration'?"

10. So what?
Even if the key event of the Christmas story - the virginal conception - is true, it doesn't prove much.  Perhaps some Pagan god impregnated Mary.

So what?  The Blessed Virgin is a fashion statement

Most scripture quotations from Christmas unwrapped, but some from Bible Gateway.

All together now.... Ah!

Christmas and the single girl - how a few pairs of tights can help

Christmas rapidly approaches.  That time for spending time with families that we hate and spend the rest of the year avoiding.  So here's a guide to how packing a few pairs of tights can help the single girl off to a family gathering.

This some practical points.

1.  Tights keep you warm.  Even in a mild winter the family home may be freezing, and you will want to get away from the horde even if it is into the freezing blizzard outside.  Tights will help in both cases.

2. Tights are an easy way to change a outfit.  You can change the look of your outfit merely by changing your tights.  So you can take fewer outfits.  Or better still you can take lots of outfits and appear to have lots more outfits.

Change to sheer tan tights for a different look

3. Tights make shoes more comfortable.  You want to wear your best heels at Christmas.  Both to make you feel better and to show off to the relatives.  Tights can make these shoes more comfortable.  And if you have to take your shoes off the relatives may find stocking feet more acceptable that bare feet.

You have not even got home yet, and your heels hurt!

But perhaps more important are the social and psychological benefits of wearing tights:

4. Tights can make you feel better.  Tights make your legs look better by hiding imperfections and highlighting their shape.  This will improve your mood.  What is more if you are wearing outfits with tights you will probably make more of an effort.  The care needed to get your tights right will encourage you to take the same care with the rest of your outfit.  Of course you can still look a mess in tights, but it is much easier to look slovenly in socks and jeans.

Feel good in your tights

5. Tights are a way of defining your identity.  We all need to know who we are.  And in these post modern days you might as well define yourself as a lover of tights as anything else.  Better that people know you as the girl always in tights, or as the girl in interesting tights, than not know you at all.  In these days when such a variety of tights are available and many avoid tights, it is possible to define yourself in terms of tights.  If the gods are dead, you might as well worship tights as the TV, the web, your 'phone or TOWIE.

Even royalty has been prepared to define themselves in terms of tights.  Look at all the media excitement when Kate Middleton was seen in sheer nude tights.

But my particular tights heroine is "Sweet in Pantyhose" who has for a number of years been promoting the joy of pantyhose on the web.  Sweet has defined herself in terms of her tan / nude pantyhose and her trademark heels.

Junior pantyhose pervert meets older tights wearer

Not at Christmas - but can happen @ Christmas 2

6. You'll always have a friend if you wear tights.  Yes there is bound to be someone in your extended family or in the neighbours who get invited round who is a pantyhose pervert.  Now normally you might want to avoid the pantyhose pervert, but if no one else is talking to you, slip off your heels, walk around in your stocking feet, and a PH pervert will come to talk to you.  His conversation may be stilted as he keeps focusing on your tights, but at least you will have company.  You can exploit him to get you drinks and may even persuade him to buy you new shoes to go with your tights.  If conversation flags, just mention tights - something like "These new M&S tights don't ladder so often", and the talk will flow (and his mouth will water).  You may find it difficult to get rid of him.  But if a shag is available nowhere else, he will fuck your brains out - but only as long as you keep your tights on.

Which brings me on to the use of tights for Christmas sex.

Tights vs socks.  Who get the only half decent guy?

7. Tights will help you get a Christmas shag....  A man won't have to be a PH pervert to be attracted to your legs in tights.  (Notice your legs in tights, not your tights).   Your smoother, more shapely legs will attract him.  And even a normal man gets some sexual arousal from black sheer nylon or black fishnet.  You can wear your skirt shorter with tights and even flash your tights tops - a way of showing him your underwear, while not quite showing him your underwear.  Last but not least, that extra confidence from wearing tights will make you extra attractive.
8. ...without looking like a Christmas slag.  Yes I know you could go in bare legs.  But think how cheap bare legs make you look.  You will look like a girl out to get pissed and be on the pull on a Friday night.  The guys will be wondering if you even have knickers on.  You want to man, but you don't want to appear too desperate, or you'll get a chav  you gives you a quick and (for you) unsatisfying fuck.  Guys are falling over themselves to get in girl's muff, don't make it too easy for them.

Would you really ware that dress without tights?

Finally, some points that I can't fit anywhere else:

9. Spare pairs of tights make last minute presents.  Forgot to get your niece a present?  Looks like she is about your size.  Give her that pair of unopened black tights.   You might:

• Turn her into a tights lover.
• Get her a ride with a hot guy.
• Get the local pantyhose pervert tossing off over her.
• Get her to think you are a tight (ungenerous) bitch - which you are.

Even more fun - if you can identify your family's pantyhose pervert - give him a pair of your (used) pantyhose wrapped up under the Christmas tree.  Watch the colour of his face - and his trousers - when he opens them.

Looks like she enjoying herself, even if they were a pair of old Tesco tights you found in your bag

When alcohol fails, strangulation is

the only means of escape from the relatives

10. If all else fails, end it all with tights.  Yes you can try to hang yourself with a pair of your tights.   If tights define your identity what better way to go but wearing a pair while another pair squeezes the breath of life out of you?  OK, I'm not sure your tights will take your weight, but if your family pantyhose pervert is pervy enough he may finish you off......

Happy Christmas!